The 101 Positive Principles of Discipline | Part 2*

Hi, There! Here’s the second part of our three-part series on Positive Discipline by expert Dr. Katharine C. Kersey of the Child Study Center at Old Dominion University.

Don’t forget to let us know what you think!

The Principles in Alphabetical Order

11. ABC Principle – Learn to think in terms of ABC (Antecedent, Behavior and Consequences). What was going on before the behavior occurred and what happened afterwards – as a result of the behavior? Many times you can find patterns in behavior – and alter your behavior or the circumstances that may have led up to the inappropriate behavior. Also, you might need to look at what is gained by the behavior – what the child is getting as a result. A child who is overly tired may throw a temper tantrum. In order to get him to stop, he may be given a toy. (In the future, he may throw a temper tantrum just to get a toy.) By changing the antecedent and/or the consequences, a temper tantrum may be avoided in the future.)

12. Allow Imperfection Principle – Don’t demand perfection. Remember no one likes the “perfect” child, parent or teacher. With perfection as the goal, we are all losers.
13. Anticipation Principle – Think ahead about whether or not the child is capable of handling the situation. If not, don’t take him (to expensive restaurants, church, beauty parlor, adult movies).

14. Apology Principle – Apologize easily – when you goof, or “lose it.” (“I wish I could erase what I just said.” “You must have been scared by my reaction.” “I didn’t mean to hurt your feelings.” “I was wrong.” “I’m sorry.”) Apologize for your child (“I’m sorry he knocked you down”), but DON’T make your child apologize. (You might be making him lie OR think that wrong-doings can be rectified with an apology.)

15. Ask the Child Principle – Ask the child for input. “Do you think this was a good choice?” “What were you trying to accomplish or tell us with your behavior?” “What do you think could help you in the future to remember to make a better choice?” “How would you like for things to be different?” “How about drawing a picture of how you feel right now.” Children have wonderful insight into their own behavior and great suggestions for ways to make things better.

16. Availability Principle – Make sure that your child always knows where she can turn for help. If you aren’t available, be sure someone is. SET ASIDE 15 MINUTES A DAY to spend together. Let her plan how the time is spent.

17. Babysitter Principle – Get one.

18. Bake a Cake Principle – When all else fails, bake a cake together (and eat some after it cools). It is a great way to stay connected and build happy memories.

19. Best Friend Principle – Elicit help from the child’s best friend. Ask the best friend to see if he can encourage the child to “do the right thing.”

20. Bite Your Lip, Take Leave and Stay Home Principle – There is no place like home. Children might be picking up on our high level of stress. The best part of wisdom might be to scuttle our plans and go/stay HOME! Sometimes we need to take a reality check on our priorities.

21. Blame it on the Rules Principle – “Our school /family rule is to wash your hands before eating.”

22. Brainstorming Principle – Brainstorm with the child possible solutions to the dilemma, problem or predicament.

23. Bunny Planet Principle – (adapted from Rosemary Wells) – Close your eyes and tell the children that you are going to the bunny planet (or another imaginary place). Ask them to tell you when they are ready for you to come back (when things are quiet and they are ready to make good choices). If you are at home, you might go to the bathroom and wait for behavior to improve. Take your telephone, radio and books. Do not come out until behavior has changed.

24. Change of Environment Principle – If the child’s misbehavior cannot be stopped, move to another room or location. (Go outside.)

25. Chill Out Principle – It’s no big deal! Don’t make a mountain out of a molehill. This, too, will pass.

26. Class/Family Meeting Principle – Class and family meetings give children an opportunity to reflect, listen, empathize, and problem-solve. Focus on two-way communication rather than preaching to children. Listen more than you talk. Parents and children continue to learn from each other.

27. Collect Data Principle – Keep a written record of the frequency of inappropriate behaviors. Record the antecedents as well as the consequences. Look for patterns that may give clues as to possible reasons, situations and/or solutions.

28. Common Sense Principle – Use your common sense. Is this reasonable?

29. Cueing Principle – Give the child a cue such as a hand gesture to remind him – ahead of time – of the behavior you want him to exhibit. For example, teach the child that instead of interrupting when you are talking with somebody else, he is to squeeze your hand. This will let you know that he wants to talk to you (as you return the squeeze) and as soon as you can, you will stop the conversation and find out what he wants.
30. Divide and Conquer Principle – Separate children who are reinforcing each other’s misbehavior. Put adult between two children in a restaurant.

31. Don’t Put the Cat with the Pigeons Principle – Don’t place temptation in front of the child. (Don’t leave the candy dish on the table if you don’t want the child to have any candy.)

32. Do the Unexpected Principle – React in a surprising way. Start doing jumping jacks! Clap a familiar rhythm (“Jingle Bells”) – to relieve the tension and get some perspective. It is amazing how, when your head is cleared, you can think better and decide on a more rational way to handle this situation.

33. Empowerment Principle – Develop child’s competency, skills, mastery, independence. Encourage him to solve his own problems. Let him know that his choices will determine his future.

34. Encouragement Principle – Give encouragement as often as possible. Help the child see the progress he has made. (“You got three spelling words correct. That is better than last week!” “Doesn’t it feel good to be able to zip your own zipper, make your own bed, clean up your own spills?”)

35. Establish Routines and Traditions Principle – Children behave better when they know what they can count on. Establish traditions which they can anticipate and which provide them with fond memories and feelings of belonging and security.

36. Extinction Principle – Ignore minor misbehavior that is not dangerous, destructive, embarrassing or an impediment to learning. (Look the other way. Play deaf.)

37. Follow Through/Consistency Principle – Don’t let the child manipulate you out of using your better judgment. Be firm (but kind)!

38. Frog Suit Principle – Teach the child to “put his/her frog suit on.” A frog suit protects the child from being hurt by other children’s careless or cruel comments.

39. Get on the Child’s Eye Level Principle – When talking with the child, get down on his/her eye level and look him in the eye while talking softly to him/her.

40. Get Support of Another Person Principle – Ask someone else to help you reinforce the positive behavior.

41. Give Life to an Inanimate Object Principle – Tell the child that “the toothbrush is calling,” or “the trash is calling that it wants to be taken out to the curb.” Give your voice a believable “squeaky” tone to make it more dramatic (and fun).

42. The Golden Rule Principle – Do unto your children what you would have them do unto you! Our children will (eventually) treat us the way we treat them. It pays to take a deep breath and think twice, so that we will tread gently.

43. Hand Gestures Principle – Develop hand gestures which signify, “Please,” “Thank you,” “More,” “Stop,” “Be Careful,” “Use your words,” and “No.”

44. Have Fun Together Principle – Children love to know that they bring us joy and pleasure. Lighten up and have fun.

45. Help Me Out Principle – Elicit the child’s support. Ask her/him to help you out.

46. Human Principle – Remember children have feelings too – just like we do. It is in everyone’s best interest to treat him or her as well or better than we treat other people for whom we are not responsible.

47. Humor Principle – Make a game out of it. Have fun. Laugh together a lot. (“How would a rabbit brush his teeth?”)

48. I Message Principle – Own your own feelings. “When you leave wet towels on the bed, the bed gets wet, and I feel angry. I would like for you to hang them on the hook behind the door.”

49. Institute Mailboxes Principle – Put mailboxes outside each child’s room, or attach one to each child’s desk. Write personal notes – suggestions, thanks, etc. and put inside the child’s mailbox. Be sure to have one on your desk or outside your room – for their messages back to you.

50. Jump Start a Belly Laugh Principle – Surprise your child by teaching him or her to jump start a belly laugh. Grab someone’s hands and jump up and down together, saying, “ho, ho” real fast, until you both are genuinely laughing. You’ll be surprised how good it feels to laugh. Your body and your brain both get a chance to “take a break,” and when you “come back” to where you were, you are both more relaxed and have better perspective.

Check out Part 1 | For more details, click here.

Five criteria for positive discipline

Today on Project PWP, parenting expert Dr. Jane Nelsen shares to us the criteria for “effective discipline that teaches”

The 101 Positive Principles of Discipline | Part 1*

We have been talking about Positive Discipline for weeks now, and yet you may ask “How?” Well, we found ‘the 101 Positive Principles of Discipline’ by Dr Katharine C. Kersey, Professor at Child Study Center at Old Dominion University in the United States.

Now, don’t forget to let us know what you think!

The Top Ten Principles

1. Demonstrate Respect Principle – Treat the child the same way you treat other important people in your life – the way you want him to treat you – and others. (How would I want her to say that to me?)

2. Make a Big Deal Principle – Make a big deal over responsible, considerate, appropriate behavior – with attention (your eyeballs), thanks, praise, thumbs-up, recognition, hugs, special privileges, incentives (NOT food).

3. Incompatible Alternative Principle – Give the child something to do that is incompatible with the inappropriate behavior. “Help me pick out 6 oranges” (instead of running around the grocery store). If your husband is annoying you by playing his Gameboy, instead of berating him, simply ask him to help you by drying the dishes.

4. Choice Principle – Give the child two choices, both of which are positive and acceptable to you. “Would you rather tiptoe or hop upstairs to bed?” (“You choose or I’ll choose.”) This can be used with spouses. “The garage needs to be cleaned out. Would you rather do it tonight or Saturday?”

5. When/Then – Abuse it/Lose it Principle – “When you have finished your homework, then you may watch TV.” (No homework – no TV.)

6. Connect Before You Correct Principle – Be sure to “connect” with a child – get to know him and show him that you care about him – before you begin to try to correct his behavior. This works well when relating to parents, too. Share positive thoughts with them about their child before you attack the problems!

7. Validation Principle – Acknowledge (validate) his wants and feelings. “I know you feel angry with your teacher and want to stay home from school. I don’t blame you. The bus will be here in 45 minutes.”

8. Good Head on Your Shoulders Principle – Tell your child – frequently – especially as s/he reaches the teen years – “You have a good head on your shoulders. You decide. I trust your judgment.” This brings out the best in the child and shows him/her that eventually he will be in charge of his own life and responsible for his/her own decisions.

9. Belonging and Significance Principle – Remember that everyone needs to feel that s/he belongs and is significant. Help your child to feel important by giving him important jobs to do and reminding him that if he doesn’t do them, they don’t get done! Help him/her feel important by being responsible.

10. Timer Says it’s Time Principle – Set a timer to help children make transitions. “When the timer goes off, you will need to put away your books.” “In five minutes, we will need to line up for lunch.” It is also a good idea to give the child a chance to choose how long he needs to pull himself together. “It’s okay to be upset, how long do you need?” Then allow him to remove himself from the group and set the timer. You may offer the child a choice (and set the timer) when it’s necessary for him to do something he doesn’t want to do. “Do you want to pick up your toys/let Susan have the wagon/take your bath -in one minute or two?”

For more details, check out: http://ww2.odu.edu/~kkersey/101s/101principles.shtml

*First of the 3-part series

Why I did not spank my kids…

I think it’s true that most parents confuse discipline from punishment, as your article goes. But for me, I do not believe it will discipline them in any other way.

I have been a parent half of my life and the main reason why I don’t spank my kids is that I do not want them to feel pain, or get hurt, nor see them cry.  A child crying for me, with eyes that give you the look of, “Please save me”, or “Take me away from this situation”, I cannot stand it. They are your child, you need to love them, not get them hurt, particularly by you.

I believe that to rear a child is to give them values, ideals in ways that they can enjoy life as they grow. A child’s early life to the first seven years happens inside the home. What they see, hear and feel will be their guiding force as they grow up.

This will be the ideas and actions they will accept and understand to be the right thing to do. The parent or whoever they are with most of the day, will be their teachers, and for them to follow.

So when they see beatings as punishment, this will stay in their developing mind to be the right action to do when they are adults.

In my case, I grew up in a large family where our parents’ way of discipline is to talk to us, or scold us, to put it harshly…they give us what we term in tagalog as pangaral ng magulang, meaning advise of the elders. Magulang as the term implies, wiser than you. They talk to us, but with a higher level of emotion, not shouting, and tell us the never ending tales of what our mistakes are, the consequences, and the negative results, if ever you will do it again. You must not answer back. You just listen, head bowed down, it’s up to you how you will take it.

You can cry, or stay silent and make your mind wander. Or you may sulk and think of the 100 ways of what you will do after the tale will end. Beatings will only come, if the mistake is really, really heavy.

But my dad was so kind, he let us put cartons on our butts so it won’t get really hurt. This is true, no pain, but beaten. Funny, ha….

I remember my Lola Cila, but that did not happen to me since she doesn’t live with us, to my cousins, where they will to kneel on salt or the mongo seed, while praying the rosary…that hurts…but we love our Lola…

The consequence of this style, you are a behaved child inside the home, but a naughty one outside, because your feelings are tied inside of you. So when you are out (of the house), out come our emotions.

As a parent, I talked to my children, or scold them, but I let them answer, I ask their reasons why they did something that deserve a talk, a scolding and a pangaral, and you learn from them. You learn there is something you miss in guiding them, and you correct it. For you to avoid it so it won’t happen again and for the child to learn from it. In case a situation happened outside the house and they come home, with tears in their eyes, I let them cry all their hearts out.

When I get mad and they start to cry, or when they become difficult for wanting something not for them, I let them go somewhere they can cry but not in my view, let them take their time.  And when they are done crying, that’s when we talk. Sometimes you see them done, and playing already. Maybe in their small minds they were able to reflect the wrong they did because they are happy again. Forgotten and forgiven.

The touch given is not a beating but a big hug that says you love them that’s why you scold them. They are not perfect. I do not do it the way other parents I know do; I sometimes wonder why is it that some parent scold their kids if they break something. But if the parent is the one who has broken it, the child cannot be mad at you? I find that odd, and a bit unfair.

To add pain to a bad situation damages a person. Why do parents get mad if they are not satisfied in their child’s homework? Something I cannot understand. They pinch them, or slap their hand. Why? Will the pain give them satisfaction? Do they not know that fear hormones block the understanding process thereby getting you nowhere? The parents think they are doing the right thing, later will they see the consequence they have imparted. The beatings you did, will be the beatings your child will also give to his own child and the cycle will never stop.

I know a father who locks his children out when he scolds them. So what did his daughter do? She locked her Yaya in the kitchen, because it’s what she sees the action to do when you are mad at somebody.

In beatings as punishment, the child does not really listen because fear hormones come out, s/he losses attention, the parent seeing this as wrong, because the child knows a beating will happen, the child is so afraid, s/he will just follow what the parent wants to happen, but the real truth you have not imparted anything  to your child, but nothing sinks in.

(Amy Soriano is a 50 year-old Mom of now two grown kids. She practiced positive discipline and refrained from physically punishing her kids even before Corporal Punishment and studies of its negative effects were widely and openly discussed.)

 

Giving Love More than Enough for Sharing

Mimin and her new puppy: Who’s cuter? 🙂

By Aiza Marcos-Balinos

Now that my daughter is four years old, I realized that she is one to be proud of. For one, she never threw a fit in public. She is a bit shy but knows how to acknowledge. She is affectionate and empathic. It was never difficult to take care of her. I guess the only “problem” with her is that she talks too much sometimes my ears get tired. But I’d like to think that she’s just being expressive.

I’d like to attribute my daughter’s good-being to my self-education about motherhood and discipline. Even before she was born, I was already reading books such as Dr. Spock’s. As she was growing up, I see to it that I feed my mind with lots of good insights from magazines such as “Smart Parenting”, and other books such as “Discipline Without Shouting or Spanking” and “Toilet Training Without Tears”.

My parenting style is never traditional. It’s more of scientific, based on research and studies. But I’m not always “by the book” either. I adjust if one style doesn’t work. That’s why it’s important to be a hands-on parent. Being with the child is the only way to know first hand if the style did work or not. Your child’s action is the only reliable feedback you can get if you want to know if a style is working or otherwise.

Parenting and working at the same time is difficult but doable. Not to mention the fact that my husband works away. The nanny helps in taking care of my daughter but you cannot fully expect her to give the care that you would. That’s why it’s very important to spend quality time with your child. An hour spent with overflowing love is better than 24 hours of hostile togetherness.

To working parents out there, I’d like to share with you some of the ways that worked well in our family’s case.

• I set short but sweet routines. My daughter loves it whenever I bring her to school, or pick her up. We also enjoy bath-time in the evening together. Children feel important whenever you drop an “important” task to do stuff with them. I also try my best to always be there in important school activities.
• I talk to her as if she were an adult. We should never underestimate a child’s wisdom. Even when my daughter was younger, I tell her about what I do in the office, how I feel whenever Daddy leaves, even my opinion about a cartoon she’s watching. That way she thinks maturely and critically. When a child is mature, she easily understands and adapts to life situations.
• I give explanations for every rule I set. I tell her the consequences of eating too many sweets, of not brushing her teeth before bedtime, of not sharing. I don’t just say “no”, I say “no, because…” That makes her understand the issue deeper.
• I always try to be creative when we play. I just don’t read a book, I change my voice to fit the characters of the story. When we do role plays, I try to improvise costumes. I do my best to make her imagination a reality. I always try to make her see how beautiful life is. She then becomes optimistic.
• I don’t work when she’s around. I can’t stand giving her undivided attention. I never want to make her feel second priority. I’d rather stay upstairs and finish tasks quickly.
• I appreciate every little thing she does. I keep criticisms to a minimum. If I have to give her negative comments, I say them in a nice way. I always try to encourage her to do new things.
• I love her unconditionally. Everything I do or say to her is all rooted from love. I spend time with her because I love her. I say talk to her because I love her. I say “no” to her because I love her. I exert effort to show her how much I love her. A child very well knows what love is and what is not. Love begets love. Everything else is likewise.

My daughter is not perfect. I must say she has her low times as well. Like when she did not have enough rest, or when she fails, she feels bad and behaves badly. I handle those moments with care. When I’m about to lose my temper or when I’ve already lost it, I leave her for a while. If possible, I instruct the nanny to explain to her why I left. When I’ve picked myself up, I return to her and explain to her what she did wrong. I never spanked or cursed at my daughter.

Being the contemporary parent, it’s inevitable that I get some disapproval from the folks. They would always have something to say about how I discipline, or even about the simplest things like what I feed my daughter. In times like those, we just got to be firm. Don’t be pressured to follow what they say. Acknowledge and say “thanks for the concern” but explain to them that you’re trying out this new style. When they see it working, well, they won’t stop, but at least your actions will be justified.

Parenting is challenging and fulfilling at the same time. That’s why parents cry when their children graduate, or when they get married. I cried on my daughter’s first day in school when she was two. Ridiculous? I don’t think so. I cried because I take parenting seriously. I always give it my best. Just like any other job or hobby, I love doing it. Seeing my daughter surviving day care is like finishing first in a triathlon competition. Now that she is four and about to enter the big school next June, I’m more confident than ever. Because I know that I’ve given her love more than enough for sharing. I know that whatever she does wherever she is, she will always make me proud.

Aiza Marcos-Balinos is an instructor of Community Broadcasting from the College of Development Communication, University of the Philippines at Los Banos. She’s also the hip mother of bright little Mimin.

What’s Your Story? Project PWP’s Call for Participation

Source: arewethereyet-amomsblog.com

Indeed, being a parent requires heaps of support from families and friends. Nowadays, however, some parents (that’s you!) turn to the Internet for some tips, or rather, read about other parents’ stories just to find out that they, too, are down the same parenting road, bumpy or otherwise. After all, there is nothing more comforting than knowing you are not alone.

In this light, Project PWP is inviting contributors in from all walks of life to share an experience or two (or more!) on parenting, especially on disciplining your children. This can be a blogpost, a video, a photo or a podcast, if you may. Anything goes, just as long as it’s from the heart. So take out all those photo albums, or rather browse your collections of your kids and reminisce the years/weeks/months have gone by. Project PWP is excited to hear from you. Write to us: infoprojectpwp@gmail.com | Follow: twitter.com/projectpwp | Like us: facebook.com/projectpwp.

This Week is Contributors’ Week because this site is for you, and built by you.

House Bill 4455 The Positive Discipline Bill

Last August 2011, the House of Representative of the Philippines approved the final reading of the proposed Positive Discipline Bill. 

According to its lead author, Rep. Susan Yap of the 2nd District of Tarlac,

“The bill, when enacted into law, will first and foremost promote a positive and non-violent approach to child discipline among parents, teachers, and other persons entrusted with the guardianship of children,” 

The said bill not only proposes to prohibit any form of Corporal Punishment in homes and schools, it also suggest several positive approaches in Disciplining a child. 

Section 4 states:

Promotion of Techniques on Positive and Non-Violent Discipline – A comprehensive program shall be formulated and implemented to promote positive and non-violent discipline in lieu of corporal punishment of children. A continuing information dissemination campaign shall be conducted nationwide regarding its benefits and techniques.

Among the positive and non-violent techniques for disciplining a child which can be promoted include:

Beat the Clock – a motivational technique that uses the child’s competitive nature to encourage completion of tasks on parent’s timetable.

Grandma’s Rule – a contractual agreement that allows a child to do what the child pleases as soon as what the parent wants has been accomplished.

Neutral Time – taking advantage of time that is free from conflict such as the time after a tantrum has passed the child is cal and receptive to teach new behavior to the child.

Praise – a verbal recognition of a behavior that a parent wants to reinforce.

Reprimand – a statement that includes a command to stop the behavior, a reason why the behavior should stop, and an alternative to the behavior.

Rule- a pre determined behavioral expectation that includes a stated outcome and consequence;

Time out – to take the child out of a situation because of inappropriate behavior, making the child face a blank wall for several minutes or until the child calms down;

Responsibility Building – making  a child perform age-appropriate simple household chores. 

 

At present the counter part bill of HB4455 at the senate is filed by Senator Jinggoy Estrada and is now pending at the Committee on Youth, Women and Family Relations.

For a full copy of HB4455, visit this site:

http://www.scribd.com/doc/59608327/HB-4455-Positive-Discipline-in-Lieu-of-Corporal-Punishment-of-Children-Act-of-2011

What Positive Discipline Is

Parenting is one of the most challenging tasks a person could ever have.  It can be a joyful, frustrating, exhilarating and sometimes exhausting journey. Imagine leading a brand-new human being, orienting, introducing and teaching them the necessary lessons and skills they need to grow up well-rounded, happy and successful adults. My! That is an overwhelmingly enormous task.

Every parent has their own parenting style which are mostly learned on the job, either by instincts or culled out from experiences as a child. But let’s face it, our instincts can only do so much and/or our experiences as children were either negative or violent ones.

All parents only want to curb misbehaviors and correct mistakes of the children by disciplining them. But most parents confuse discipline with scolding or hitting. Sometimes when a child’s mistake becomes repetitive or goes overboard, parents lose control and feel bad about it when the “moment” wears off. And most of the time they feel helpless.

But there is actually another way. Parenting’s discipline can actually mean teaching which entails setting goals for learning, planning and effective approach and finding solutions that will work on your context. This parenting approach is called positive discipline.

Positive discipline is born to counteract the increasing number of children being physically maltreated in their own home or what is called corporal punishment. The 2006 World Report on Violence against Children revealed that punishment is often embedded in a cultural belief that children learn only through physical pain. This report also recommends the elimination of all corporal punishment and the promotion positive discipline.

Positive discipline is an approach to parenting that teaches children and guides their behavior while respecting their rights to healthy development, protection from violence and participation in their learning. Others may mistake it as permissive parenting, but it is NOT. It is about providing long term solutions to help develop children’s own self-discipline and life-long skills. It is about teaching non-violence, empathy, self-respect, human rights and respect for others.

Dr. Joan Durrant, a child-clinical psychologist and an Associate Professor of Family Social Sciences of the University of Manitoba (Canada), provides information to parents who want to raise their children in a positive climate without corporal punishment.

She has identified the four components of positive discipline:

Identifying long-term childrearing goals. The common mistake of parents is focusing on short-term situations wherein they force their kids to follow their instructions right away, rather than focusing on identifying what exact values they want their children to absorb in the long run. We often hear parents say Don’t do this, do that; Eat your food now.; Put on your shoes now; or  Stop hitting your sister now.

Short-term situations can cause frustrations and stress and because of the presence of urgency, often lead to hitting and yelling at the kids. Chances are, the way parents act in short-term situations becomes children’s models of dealing with their own. They learn to cope with stress from watching and eventually imitating how their parents do it. Thus when you yell, scold or hit your child every time they misbehave or commit mistakes, you didn’t just solved the situation at hand but you also taught them the exact opposite of what you want them  to learn in the long run.

On the other hand, having long-term goals is teaching kids how to manage stress, how to communicate respectfully, handle conflict without hitting, and respect other person’s feelings. Yelling, hitting, pinching misbehaving children block these long-term goals and lose parents’ opportunity of showing their children the better way (long-term goals).

Providing warmth and structure. Children are born without pre-orientation and instructions on what lies ahead of them and they do not know what our expectations on them are. Children are in the process of learning and they learn best when supported –in an atmosphere of encouraging warmth and emotional security which makes them feel safe even if they make mistakes. Children learn best when they feel respected, trusted, understood, safe and loved.

Children also learn best when provided with information or structure. Parents provide structure by acting as positive role models; by explaining the reasons behind every rule, by involving the children in setting up these rules, hear their point of view, help them find ways to fix their mistakes, and teach them the possible consequences of their actions.

Understanding how children think and feel. If only parents will stop, think and consider seeing the world in the eyes of their 1-year old baby or 5-year old child by then can they only begin to understand the real reasons behind their children’s behavior. Parents tend to have expectations that do not match their children’s abilities or development stage, they think their kids are trying to be ‘bad’, and that is when the conflict starts. Children undergo several stages of development. They want to learn more and more as their world expands. Parents must understand where their children are coming from and the reasons behind their every action. It is every parents task to show and guide their children how to express their feelings, resolve conflict without violence, support, accept and respect that they are still in the developmental stage, and provide guidance—all of these can be done by strengthening the parent-child bond, monitoring of children’s activities, and nurturing the child’s independence. The key is to understand how children think and feel at different stages and responding to situations in a positive and constructive way.

Problem solving. Positive discipline is not about punishment. It is about problem solving. It involves a lot of thinking, finding out what exactly caused a child’s behavior before acting at the situation at hand. It is about responding constructively in challenging situations, rather than immediately punishing the children for mistakes they have done.

Positive discipline entails a lot of patience and practice. But in the long run, it gives children the much needed skills in coping with frustration, conflict and anger. It also builds the child’s self-respect and respect toward others.

No parent is perfect. We all commit mistakes. But we need to learn from those mistakes, right? And do better next time. And the perfect way is to start it with our children – the faces of our future.

Reference:

Positive discipline: What it is and how to do it

 

The Difference between Discipline and Punishment

Perhaps one of the main reasons why parents turn and resort  to corporal punishment is because they, in fact many, have confused punishment with discipline. For most of us, discipline is almost synonymous with punishment, being hit or spanked or heavily scolded and/or humiliation and other child-degrading means. This should not be the case.

Even if you will look at the definitions in the dictionary they are widely different. Punishment or (To) Punish means:

1.

To subject to pain, loss, confinement, death, etc., as a penalty for some offense, transgression, or fault: to punish a criminal.

2.

To inflict a penalty for (an offense, fault, etc.): to punish theft.

3.

To handle severely or roughly, as in a fight.

4.

To put to painful exertion.

 

 

Meanwhile Discipline is defined as:

1.

Training to act in accordance with rules; drill: military discipline.

2.

Activity, exercise, or a regimen that develops or improves a skill; training.

3.

The rigor or training effect of experience, adversity, etc

But these words, though they have very different meanings are often used interchangeably or what is known as the discipline dilemma – confusing the meanings of the two words punishment and discipline treating them as one and the same and justifying the concept of parenting using corporal punishment. According to studies and researches most parents reveal that they spank their kids to teach them a lesson because this is the only way they know how to “discipline” their child/children.

Every parent only wants to rear their children properly for them to become well-grown and responsible individuals. This is the reason why parents employ discipline –to train their kids to learn the rules of everyday life (or in general), develop and improve their skills, and prepare them for challenges that they will experience.

But parents must know that disciplining children must not always involve the use of pain, threats, confinement, or penalty. These punishments only controls a child’s behavior while discipline (the real meaning of it), on the other hand, develops child’s values. Researches and studies proved that using pain or punishing a child for committing mistakes or for misbehaving only solves the specific problem at hand but will not necessarily hinder the child from repeating the unwanted behavior. What’s more, the use of punishment only results to negative long-term effects on a child’s development.

Disciplining a child must be positive and warm to instill life skills such as problem solving, self-control, and responsibility. It also develops attitudes such as empathy, independence, and confidence. Using punishment to teach a child only introduces fear and eventually makes it a motivation tool. It will make a child learn to distrust, turn to anger and even aggression believing that violence or using physical force is the only way to be heard and understood.

Put it this way, every child is born without orientation and instructions on how to live and behave in a highly social world we have. Every little thing is alien to them and every face unfamiliar. Their parents, guardians and/or caregivers are usually the ones they learn to trust to care, lead and guide them while they cannot yet do that for themselves. Because they look up to and trust their parents, they eventually learn by copying behaviors shown to them. In the animal kingdom, especially among the female species, their little ones are usually brought around when they go hunting for food or building their nests so they can teach the ways to survival. But unlike animals, children have the ability to reason and to communicate, so why the need to use force?

image from: http://cartoonous.com/why-disciplining-our-children-can-do-more-har

When we teach a baby a new trick like clapping hands, we show them how to do it by clapping our hands. This is practice is called modeling, where parents demonstrate an action that a child can repeat after. When they are able to do it, we praise them or encourage them to keep doing it. So consequently, when you model or show a child that the only way to get results or what you want is to hit or punish them, there is a great possibility that they will learn to practice it themselves (and see nothing wrong with it).

So the next time you feel the need to teach your child a lesson, ask yourself whether you want to punish them or really discipline them. Because you know, that is two completely different things.

Sources:

http://www.childrensmn.org/web/healthprof/027121.pdf

http://unesdoc.unesco.org/images/0014/001492/149284e.pdf

Why we turn to corporal punishment

Corporal punishment is indeed a very sensitive and personal issue, and even with the many studies that tackles its negative effects there are still many reasons, justifications and known defenses why parents and/or guardians believe and practice it in the home.

Here are some of the top justifications of using corporal punishment as well as answers that may help (we hope it could) make you think twice about it.

Sparing the rod is spoiling the child

For some parents, inflicting pain or stressing their authority through fear and threats is the only way to get through a child’s unruly behavior and will certainly impress the difference between right and wrong. But haven’t you noticed how  a parent/teacher/guardian still has to continuously spank a child for misbehaving and making mistake? It is children’s nature as they are still new and exploring their environment to make mistakes over and over again. Thus punishing is not an effective way of making a child remember what the rules and their boundaries are. Spanking is not a motivation for a child to behave, but a mere reaction to their committed mistake or misbehavior, an impulsive reaction and a short-term result that research proves to lead to long-term effects. Far from spoiling them, making a child understand what s/he did wrong in a calm and positive manner, helps them better learn how to think of others and the consequences of their actions. In countries that have banned all forms of corporal punishment there is no evidence that their children have become unruly or grown up to be delinquents.

“I was spanked as a child and I turned out okay, in fact it helped me grow-up to be a better person I”

This is probably one of the biggest and most used justification of corporal punishment, especially in the Philippines where spanking a child is a deeply rooted practice in our culture. “It worked on me so why not on my child?”  In a 2005 study by Save the Children UK in the Philippines, parents who admitted to be spanked spanked as children said that although they know that spanking can hurt a child, their parents’ disciplinary means is the only way they know how to discipline a child. What parents of previous generation know then is very different from what parents of today know, or ought to know. Today there are many studies done by experts that proves corporal punishment has negative effects on children. With this information that we now have, it is only proper to seek an alternative way of disciplining a child, one that is different from what was and is still being practiced.

“There is a big difference between a slight swat on the butt and abuse.”

To some parents a little pain is nothing and is not dangerous at all. Some parents even believe this act makes a child remember and the pain associated with it will eventually be forgotten. But did you know that even crabs remember pain – surely so does a child? A slight slap on the hand can be the beginning of a habit that could escalate to something more painful. Physical punishment, no matter how light, is still violence; it teaches kids that it can be a way to get what they want, and more probably take it with them when they grow up to be adults. Disciplining a child with the use of pain and fear also drives them away from connecting with their parents breaking their communication link and may lead to them not confiding in their parents and lie to cover a mistake. It can also cause depression, aggression, and having low self-esteem.

“I do it for their sake, because I love them, I want them to learn about danger and avoid having them learn it elsewhere”

This is perhaps one of most common explanations parents give their kids to justify spanking them. Some parents believe that it is better for their children learn to be tough inside the home, and learn pain and a little cruelty from their own parents who can protect them, instead of learning it from strangers outside the home. I do this because I love you, and I want you to learn.

Remember that o child who is not yet as learned as adults are, this may be abstract and at the same time reasonable since it came from their parents who feed, shelter, and care for them. They will be confused from the righteous thing being taught (do not hit because it is wrong, that is bad) and the reasons their parents’ give (I only hurt you because I love you). But if you think about it, such reasons are illogical, even absurd. You want your kids avoid getting hurt, so you hurt them yourself so they can learn? The home is supposed to be the safe and warm place where a child knows he can be protected and accepted despite his/her shortcomings. It is much better for a parent to trust that their children will be able to understand a situation if explained to them in a calm and warmer manner, this way they can learn from their mistakes and know that their parents will be the last person to harm them.

“The Bible says…” or “My religious beliefs encourage me to hit my child to teach them.”

In a very interesting paper published by UNICEF in New Zealand by Rhonda Pitchard (a family counselor and author with 25 years under her belt), she discussed the spiritual perspective of hitting a child. In the paper she breaks down some of the main passages from the Bible that promotes corporal punishment to discipline children. Including the most famously used found in Proverbs 13:24,

“He who spares the rod hates his son, but he who loves him is careful to discipline him.”

In the paper Pitchard argues that the passage should not be taken so literally and that the word “rod” can be interpreted as something that metaphorically symbolizes the guidance and wisdom of parents. Just as the “rod” in the passage from Psalm 23, “Thy rod and thy staff, they comfort me” symbolizes Jesus Christ’s staff/rod/stick as the shepherd of the lost.  Another important point Pitchard made is that if the Bible is the parent’s reference in rearing their child, the Bible also tells stories of Jesus loving and welcoming children, Whom albeit may be a punishing and a God who teaches suffering as a way to heaven, is also someone who teaches compassion, understand, and mercy. And if love is the core of a parent’s will to discipline their children, the paper also notes, that the Bible also teaches that…

“Love is patient; love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud . . . it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. . . It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres, . . . And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love.” (1 Corinthians 13: 4-7, 13)

Sources:

http://www.pstcrrc.org/docs/CorpPunishment_Book_2.pdf

http://www.endcorporalpunishment.org/pages/pdfs/hittingwrong.pdf

http://www.unicef.org.nz/store/doc/children_are_unbeatable.pdf